“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
You’ve heard this children’s expression before. Do you believe it?
I don’t.
Hostile words can be every bit as hurtful as physical violence; unlike physical violence, though, unfriendly words can leave you wondering if you really have a right to be upset. If someone hit you and gave you a black eye, no one would question that you had been hurt; words, on the other hand, leave no physical scars and are often dismissed as unimportant, despite the damage they can do.
Other people aren’t the only ones who can hurt us with words. Many of us say hurtful things to ourselves, too, often without realizing it. When my clients use certain words in session, I call attention to them.
One of the words I’m most likely to point out is “should.” I find “should” unhelpful because it generally represents outside messages that we’ve taken into our heads but haven’t really chosen for ourselves.
Here’s an example: “I should get a better job.” That sounds to me like someone else has decided that you will only be acceptable if you change jobs. Maybe you have a job that you love but that doesn’t really pay well or isn’t prestigious. Someone who honors who you really are would probably be happy if you kept the job you have; someone who is just looking at the surface, though, might not. And, depending on who they are, they might be thinking about how your job reflects on them, not what it does for you.
Instead, consider the slightly changed message, “I want to get a better job.” This statement is less likely to make you feel guilty and/or inadequate. It’s probably not coming from outside of you; it’s a goal you have chosen for yourself. There are lots of healthy reasons why you might want a better job. For instance, you might feel unfulfilled in your current job or think that you are not being paid what you deserve.
Now that you’ve read this, start to make note of the times you tell yourself you “should” do or be something. Think about where those messages are coming from and whether they are helpful or harmful to you. And then think about how you can change unhelpful messages to ones that are more helpful or realistic. But remember, if you do this, do it because you want to do it, not because you should do it!