A child’s first two years of life is learning if the world is trustworthy. Adults teach her if she can trust and if she will be protected. Parents have a responsibility to keep their word, set appropriate boundaries, and protect her from physical and emotional harm.

At seven to eleven, the child is learning competencies. Parents must allow him to attempt new things, and master tasks. Parents need to give praise for trying and accomplishments, introduce opportunities for growth, compliment him on small tasks and remember a nod of approval is a building block of mastery and competency needed for healthy self-esteem.

One of the least discussed injuries parents inflict is teaching their child not to trust her own perceptions. If she feels sad she must not be told, cheer up. The youngster who is happy over a B grade must not be told the parent is disappointed. When parents praise honesty, then lie about her age at the movies, it blurs her perceptions about the value of honesty.

Parents and children are not peers, but we’re all human beings worthy of respect. When parents show disrespect toward their child by not allowing his feelings and perceptions, he learns he is not important, not worthy of respect, and not valued as an individual. These negative experiences will follow him into adulthood and hamper his functioning as an emotionally healthy adult.

A child needs to be treated as an individual, unique, different from any other child. Communicating she is valued as a unique person is a strong message of respect and will build her self-esteem. Avoid telling her what matters to you is her performance, particularly in a specific field. The athlete-father of a violin-playing son needs to appreciate violin playing. The mother who wishes her child were academically gifted needs to admire her athlete-daughter and not live out her unfulfilled dreams through her daughter.

Suggestions:

1.  Take time daily to talk, listen, and express your love for her.

2.  Have clear rules and high expectations within a warm, loving and supportive home.

3.  Develop evening rituals.

4.   Establish a personal relationship through Monthly Date Nights with the child, and alternate who decides where the family will go or do; Weekly Family Night; Weekly Personal Interviews to strengthen relationship with your child, listen to her concerns, feelings, and worries about school, friendships, how things are at home, and, take time to teach, counsel, problem solve, and set goals together.

To a child it’s don’t tell me how much you know until you show me how much you care.