One culprit when it comes to arguments and fights is “defensiveness.”  Marriage researcher John Gottman has cited defensiveness as one of the negative interaction patterns that can spell trouble for a relationship if not attended to.  To a degree, it is natural to be defensive when we are criticized, especially when we feel it is unfair.  But couples who chronically argue may find that even a well-intended comment can trigger defensiveness.  

Consider the following scenario:  A wife notices that her husband is watching television on a Saturday morning and, remembering him saying that he planned to start going to the gym on Saturdays says, “Weren’t you going to the gym?”  The husband becomes defensive and among other things says that his wife ‘rides’ him constantly and refuses to allow him even a little relaxation.  The wife shoots back at what she sees as an unprovoked attack on her and a fight ensues.  

It is possible that in the above instance, the wife’s reminder about her husband’s intention to go to the gym touched something deeper inside her or him.  Underneath his anger at her comment could be a fear that since he has put on weight his wife no longer finds him attractive and, even worse, may someday prefer someone else.  

In couples counseling, we attempt to go beneath surface emotions, such as anger, to deeper emotions such as hurt or fear.  Discovering what is really bothering one partner can help both partners become more attuned to how this emotion can be addressed both individually and in the relationship.