Connected Parenting

By Lynn L. West, PhDc, BCETS, LCPC

Lynn L. West & Associates, LLC

More Child Health and Safety Articles

Connected Parenting

Our reality is a system of beliefs based on a perceptual framework that has largely been constructed by the beliefs of the significant people in our lives. In our culture, information is largely communicated through language and words and not necessarily on understanding the emotions associated with behavior.

Our perceptual framework comes from what we have been told is an intellectual picture of what is true or not; however, that is often an opinion not based on facts. Often this reliance on words and intellectualizing avoids considering underlying emotions and feelings that underlie the conflict.

Adult intellectualizing based on a personal perceptual framework that does not reflect what is actually causing the child to react just leads to increased interpersonal conflict and disconnection between individuals. Improved parent-child relations comes from deliberately taking the time to understand the child and talk about their feelings through safe interpersonal connection, helps the child or other person come to an understanding of what the best solution is to resolve the conflict.

Avoid interpreting what you think is causing the child or other person to be upset based on your perceptual reality. Just observe; do not judge and conclude anything.

The Mohawk Indian tribes make decisions that examine both the individual intellectual side of the issue and feelings. The tribe requires an individual to clearly analyze each decision about what they have concluded with deliberate thoughtfulness. Following a seven-point system of listing seven pro’s and seven con’s for each decision, impulsive or careless choices can be eliminated.

This takes longer than the shortcuts we use with language and authoritarian demands, but it leads to respect and peace within the family community.

Always establish dialogue from the standpoint of agreement rather than opposition. As soon as someone insists their position is right and demands the other individual to agree by being wrong, conflict arises. For an example of how police use the non-combative technique in a conflictual situation and diffuse arguments by allowing the other person to feel heard, watch any police drama such as Northwoods Law or Alaskan State Troopers. Calm, peaceful, reasoned interaction with the adult in the situation remaining in charge, works well.

Remember to always say what you mean, mean what you say, follow-through 100% of the time. Have rules, boundaries, and reasonable expectations. Consequences should be well understood ahead of time. Consistency is paramount.