Building a Resilient Marriage

Building a Resilient Marriage

When we get married we often try to convince ourselves that our marriage vows, “To have and to hold, to love and to cherish in sickness and in health,” will suffice to maintain marital integrity that will last a lifetime.

That expressed vow captures the best of our humanity. However, when those vows are proclaimed there is an unspoken vow that resounds in our thoughts even more profoundly; it is the vow that knows our fears.

If the unspoken vow had a voice each fianc would say to the other, “I now give to you my spouse, the power to be the most hurtful person in my life. Let us now promise to use that power responsibly”. That vow brings to awareness how very risky marriage can be.

Let us be realistic, husbands and wives will ultimately hurt each other, whether intentional or not. What creates a resilient marriage is how a couple learns to manage these hurts and build a history that can honor the hard times as well as celebrate the good.

The resilient couple does not necessarily have the best communication skills, a nonstop passionate sex life, or a lot of individual qualities or interests in common. What they often have, or continually seek to create, are the abilities to have the meaningful dialogues that convey a deep trust and friendship.

A resilient marriage freely shows affection and shares sexual intimacy that can shine and decline, but rarely loses its capacity to be soothing and convey love.

As part of their commitment, these couples find commonalities and interests that will encourage purposeful experiences to enhance their marriage without diminishing individuality.

The task at hand for couples is to realize that they can have a profound influence on one another. As obvious as that sounds, a couple teetering on the edge of losing hope may not see the purpose of exerting positive influence. We need to remember that the wounds we inflict on each other can become scars that hold the healing memory of our recommitted efforts.

The resilient marriage always has its scars, and while the wounds were healing they empowered the unspoken vow to no longer be silent. With hope restored, each partner emerges with confidence to create a marriage that can make it possible to fall in love with your spouse again, and again, and again.