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The following article was published in Your Health Magazine. Our mission is to empower people to live healthier.
Lynn L. West, PhDc, BCETS, LCPC
“No” Is a Complete Sentence
Lynn L. West & Associates, LLC

“No” Is a Complete Sentence

“No” is one of those words that many adults have a hard time saying either to other adults or to their children. “No” provides a boundary or a limitation in what is permitted. Boundaries are a necessary component of feedback to others, and especially to children, about what are appropriate social interactions and behaviors and what are transgressions. Expecting others to respect boundaries ensures safety and promotes civilized behavior among individuals in a community and/or family setting.

When someone says “no”, it is intended as a command that requires the other individual to respond in a particular way. The action required of the other is to respect a particular boundary or limitation being set forth by the individual saying “no.” The behavioral response of the individual who has been told “no,” and especially children, is not to start back talking or an argument back about the fairness or lack thereof from their perspective.

Anyone who has been told “no,” who does not want to accept the boundaries and limitations from the person attempting to do so, will immediately escalate their oppositional or guilt-tripping behaviors. Both adults and children will intentionally create confusion and turmoil by behaving in a defiant way, such as back talking or becoming emotionally intense, just to get around having to accept a rule or boundary.

If an adult faces oppositional behavior and is not able to deal with conflict, or begins to feel guilty because he or she is worried about not being liked if they say “no,” instead of providing appropriate direction to others by insisting their boundaries be respected, the adult will lose focus. If an adult becomes “squishy” they immediately lose any authority they have now and in the future because they are teaching others that they do not mean what they say.

In relationships with others who are not respecting boundaries and limitations you are setting, the first thing you have to do to diagnose the problem is to look at the consistency of your own behavior. Are you clear in your expectations?

Children learn what they live. If there is an adult in the household who models the “rules are not for me” behaviors to their children, the children learn to get their way by bullying anyone who tries to set boundaries and limitations. Psychotherapy to facilitate healthier interactions among family members is often very helpful when the problems cannot be brought into a resolution at home.

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