More Mental Health Articles
Self-Criticism or Self-Compassion?
It is very common for clients to see their therapists to report problems like, “I am very anxious,” or, “I am very depressed.” Some clients may also mention having relationship problems and talk about self-doubt and self-criticism.
Some of us might have experienced such setbacks after working hard to achieve our planned goal and finding the outcome is not what we had expected.
We may see that as our fault, instead of processing the factors that had contributed to a negative outcome and then moving forward. In other words, we negate the role of other elements in changing the outcome, or we immediately interpret this one event, as our lack of competency or talent.
It is common to hear from clients who, by any standard, are successful people in their lives, make statements such as: “I am stupid not to know that,” “I don’t have confidence in me,” or, “I don’t want to make a mistake.” Sometimes we may find an underlying fear in their statements: “I keep my mouth shut, because I am afraid of conflicts.”
A closer look at the issue of self-blame and self-criticism reveals that such beliefs are rooted from the clients’ lack of self-understanding and compassion toward themselves. A client reports that his father was never satisfied with his achievements, “Not good enough, B+ not accepted,” he would say. The client reports, “Those messages are still with me, to the extent that I am unable to console myself and take steps to nurture my soul.” Another example is the case of people who experienced abandonment by family or friends. They often report that they feel there is something wrong with them.
Developing Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a new concept in the field of mental health. According to Kristin Neff, associate professor of human development at the University of Texas, Austin, defines self-compassion as, “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.” Dr. Neff recommends that we should use the same compassion toward ourselves just as we “feel moved” by others’ suffering.
Here are the components of self-compassion presented by Dr. Neff:
Self-kindness. Nurturing yourself.
Common humanity. Forgive yourself because you “are not alone in your imperfection,” and
Mindfulness. Nonjudgmental observation of your own thoughts, feelings and actions, without trying to suppress or deny them.
