Meaningful Apologies

Meaningful Apologies

“Im sorry”, “I wont do that again”, “I heard what you said”, “Youre right!” Do you ever get the feeling that apologies are frequently offered in a meaningless, insincere, and even dishonest manner? That the goal of the person apologizing is to end the discussion quickly, and avoid the fallout or humiliation of their actions? Do you withhold providing an apology when you feel hurt by the one you offended? These are only a few of the many ways we undermine the effectiveness of communicating a sincere regret.

We all make mistakes; we will all eventually hurt somebody inadvertently or deliberately. Also, our extreme reactions to someone being hurtful can righteously empower us to hurt them back and defend our actions that far outweigh their offense. Rationalizations, avoidance of shame or embarrassment, false pride and dishonesty keep us from embracing the dignity derived from providing a meaningful apology.

Communicating regret for a hurtful act requires a non-defensive self-evaluation of what it would feel like to be the recipient of your own actions. The simple act of looking in a mirror and yelling in your face the way you just yelled at a loved one, or the way you just mortified a coworker, can be a true guide for self-reflection.

Look at the mean spiritedness of your expressions, and hear the vulgarities and putdowns. Now feel your own hurtfulness. The true definition of humility is “having or showing a consciousness of ones shortcomings”.

Understanding how we have affected or hurt another requires accepting the humility of being responsible for those aspects of our behavior that can be distasteful even to ourselves. Our road map for reconnecting to our dignity is often, a meaningful apology.

For the angry parent of the teenager, conveying a sincere regret and self-awareness may sound like, “I know I was angry with you for breaking curfew but I was wrong to yell and humiliate you in front of your friends. In the future, well deal with these matters privately.” For the hurt and angry spouse, “Im sorry, even though I was offended by what you did, my reaction was out of control and I can see how much I hurt you.”

A meaningful apology conveys a true regard for the people you care about, an awareness of how our behavior affects them and ones self, and returns us to a dignified life.