Owning Our Roles

By Robert A. Fontana, L.C.S.W

Robert A. Fontana Marriage Therapist

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Owning Our Roles

Many years ago in my High School drama class I received some harsh criticism by the teacher for performing a scene from a play rather poorly. He asked, “Did you read the whole play or just the scene you were assigned?”

Sheepishly, I responded, “I didnt read the whole play.” His response was both stern and prophetic, “How can you own the role if you dont allow yourself to embrace it?”

Forty years later those words still hold their profound meaning not only for actors, but for all of us who struggle with the multiple roles we play in our daily lives. As a psychotherapist I frequently see individuals and couples who have inundated themselves with so many tasks and responsibilities that they conduct their lives from scene to scene often losing the essential purpose of their role and have difficulty prioritizing and maintaining healthy relationships.

At home or in the workplace these roles we assume, (spouse, parent, employee, supervisor, business owner, etc.) demand an attentiveness that will either burden us and cause resentment or become an expression of our desire to incorporate our significance to the success of that responsibility.

When a parent identifies their role as “the family bread winner” and minimizes how important their presence and nurturing of the family is, they become unaware of devaluing their worth within the greater role of being a parent. A supervisor, who is resentfully taking work home due to their discomfort in delegating, has neglected to embrace that part of leadership, which enhances the competence of a team.

The spouses whose “to do” lists have forgotten to include “date night”, now wonder why their desire and excitement for each others company is declining.

These are a few examples of situations which can potentially create excessive anxiety, depression, apathy, and disillusionment within our relationships. How we begin to reexamine and clearly define our roles can offer much relief and gratification.

Prioritizing what is truly important to our role is like “reading the whole play”. You cannot adequately become the character if you limit your understanding of its responsibility. Embracing that knowledge enables your ability to define priorities. All relationships need to feel a special attended to and attended from. To “own the role” means you allow yourself to know your entire importance as an actor in any life circumstance.